senti - sentihan in general

i have come yet again to the time of the year when i feel totally down and sentimental. when my world seems to crumble down and i can not do anything to cope. shitty. crappy.. that's how i feel. and no matter how much pep talk i try to give myself nothing seems to work. nothing seems to bring me out of this feeling of inadequacy at self-pity. yes big words dude.. big words..

i started cleaning the house a few months back and up until now i am far from done. things from our house before still scatter the make shift walk in closet my ate and i made, the bodega and the whole house. i am missing important pieces of my life little by little.. i remember we had the nice rectangular dining table - where is it now? where was the flower bernard gave me on our first date as a couple? where are my mom's stuff? painful. heart breaking. they may be little things to others but let me tell you it's a sleepless and tearful night for me. nothing is little for me. nothing.

i love taking pitures. it's not so much as how we look but the event behind it. i remember in detail the event behind every pic i have. whether i am in that picture or not. it's not vanity. most of the pictures i have and took does not even include me. i want to capture the moment and relive it everytime i see the picture. i want to see details of that thing to store in my ever sentimental heart and memory. some say it's funny and stupid. and sometimes it gets to me. i dont take pictures as often as before.

a lot of people my age are getting merried already. i see their pics and to be honest i am a little jealous. i guess all women feel the same way about weddings. when would it be my turn and stuff like that. but it's not that that pains me. it's the kowledge that my mom would never be there to see it and celebrate with me. she loves weddings and would definitely kill me if mine would not pass her standards. i will try mom. i miss you..

i want to go certain places. do certain things but am hindered with one thing - money. i am really poor when it comes to spending money wisely.. i have to change this i know.. just as soon as..

i have a liscence but no car. i am not even allowed to borrow my uncles' car to practice more. as much as i would like to buy myself a car - as if! in the future. my own car. nobody to tell me when to use it. where to use it. or if i would have money for gas.

i have a sim card but no phone. i don't want hand me downs with strings anymore. i can afford one. as soon as...

stupid pride. stupid honor. i never don't want the utang na loob thing. it's blackmail. i will murder for that.

i don't really believe that people change. they may know more and experience more but they never change. no matter how much they say they did or how much you see their "improvements". they don't. they just wrap themselves in different packages to let you believe. i want to believe i am a good judge of charater. i have yet to fail in my impressions and assumptions of other people. i have seen quite a lot of people to say this. i can see what they can do. best to stir clear.. best to be cautious.. you can't avoid them you see.

i am slow. slow to understand things - as in comprehend. i get it now. i get it.

life and all it's trimmings. how exciting!