reyna ng sablay

why not. kung may hari ng sablay may reyna and that is me..
i am not saying that bernard is the hari..
pwede namang may reyna na walang hari diba?
moving on.. reyna talaga ako ng sablay.
lately, sablay ako sa
work
family
relationships

wala na talaga akong nagawang tama.
meron naman pero it's overshadowed by the many
and i mean many sablay's that i have

i am a big disappointment
to my family
to my friends
to bernard
to st scho

kahit hindi nila sabihin i know
i can feel it.

pero this does not and will not
stop me from living
i make mistakes
and will make make mistakes - yes
but i will still go on..
i have to..

sorry na lang ng sorry forever.
trial and error..
i hope makita din nila
the things that i did right
the things i am doing right

sabog lang talaga ako ngayon
too many things to think about.
so many things to do
and so little time.

bernard would not agree to this
ahahaha
sablay ako lagi sa kanya eh
from the start even when we were in college
i can hear him say hindi lang ako sabog ngayon
i am sabog EVER SINCE
really!
may authority sya eh
we have been together for 6 years (and counting)
and we seldom part
as in almost every waking and sleeping moment
andun ata sya
so he knows me inside out.
kaya may authority to say that
pero he lets me be
pinagbibigyan most of the time
kasi i will always insist on it
in the end sablay naman at disappointed naman
and he is thinking to himself
bakit hinayaan pa nya.

eh love nya ako eh
yun yon!

pero i know
there will come a time na
sasabihin ng mga tao sa paligid ko
enough is enough
i don't know if i would be ready
with whatever reactions that they will have.

i will just take it as a lady
and cry!
BWAHAHA
ang then i will pick up
the pieces of myself and
walk on..

what a day!

in my previous blog i wrote in detail my day to day activities or should i say thinking sprees.
this time my day shifted, although i am not sure if it is getting worse or better.
i talked to my coordinators today and found out that they noticed i lacked planning - in the lesson plans that i do and in the lessons of our students in general. after all the thinking i have been doin everyday i still lack planning! i think planning is not really my problem but which area to concentrate on. i am literally "sabog" mind, body and soul. it was the first time i cried in in sheer frustration and stress. i feel totally drained. and still my s*** mind is whirling..

how was your day?

how does your day end and start?

mine starts at 5 am
my phone rings to remind me to wake up
i turn it off, sleep a little more
stand up to heat water
lie down again
finally standing up to take a bath
after the morning rituals of dressing up, make up and such
i'm off to school

all the while i am thinking of the things
i have to do
and
want to do

in school, i eat bfast with friends
do some of the things on my list
think of other things i have forgotten
to include on my list
attend a meeting
or
have an extention class
or
have a club meeting

all the while, planning
what to teach my class next
what activity sheets to do
what visual aids to prepare

my junior prep class starts
i teach
i see things i need to do
and i write it down
classes ends
i kiss my students goodbye
and head of to the faculty room

all the while, memorizing my new list

i rest for a while
work a little
think more
write more
think some more
head for home

all the while, reviewing what i have memorized

i come home
tired
drained
pressured

and still
my list is long
accomplishments none

will this be by routine for the rest of my life?

i wonder if some people do the same things i do
think and think and think

i wonder if there will come a time that i get to limit my list finally
to get to focus on one or even two things only

i wonder if i would ever get to simply relax when i am home
to even enjoy a movie after work like we used to do
to hang out with friends and drink coffee


included in my plans is to talk to my collegues
and try to have a system to limit our cramming days
and stress
and somehow it dawned to me
that they may not even feel the way i feel
that maybe i simply
think too much
expect too much
want too much

or

it's really that
i have
tons
and
tons
of
things
to
do!

i found a rosary today

while walking in taft avenue this morning i saw a rosary on the floor.
i was suddenly in a delema..
should i pick it up
or should i go on my way and completely forget about that rosary.
would you believe i stood at that island for about 5 minutes thinking about this!
i thought well if that be a 20 peso or even 10 peso coin i would surely not hesitate to pick it up. as they say, coins picked up in sidewalks etc are lucky.

just as suddenly, i picked up the rosary and placed it firmly in my pocket.
come to thing of it having a rosary would not only bring me luck but closer to God.
is this a sign Lord that i have to enter the convent? LOL
i actually took it as a sign that God is calling me back to him..
with my limited time and jumbled thoughts
i am not able to say even a small prayer of anything!
no Lord thank you,
no Lord please
no nothing

and now i feel guilty
the Lord has blessed me with so many things
he has given me good health
a beautiful family
a good job
everything i have always wanted and needed
and i say nothing

worst i do not even take care of the things He has given me
i have not taken care of my health for the longest time
taking my young for granted
i eat whatever, do whatever

i have not seen my family for more than 2 weeks now
i don't call
i don't text (although i wanted to)

i am all work lately
and i still feel i need to do more in this area..

i don't want to be like this forever
putting God at the back seat
i wanted to be close to Him again
but the more i push myself
the more i lose

often i tell bernard to take it slow
maybe this time i have to follow my own advise
taking things slow

i believe..